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Tom Smith
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The Sinister Cavortings of Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins III
DR. MALLEVO And who are you, sir?
PROF. CARSTAIRS How did you get into our secret lair?
SIR WILFRED Oh, I've been a member in good standing for seventeen years now.
MAD SCIENTIST I don't recall seeing you here before.
SIR WILFRED Naturally not. I've made a point of keeping low to the ground until it suited me otherwise... eh, which it does now.
I'm Sir Wilfred P. Huffelbaggins the Third,
MAD SCIENTISTS Who's that? Not a clue. Huffelwhat?
SIR WILFRED There's a reason that of me you never have heard, I'm subtle, whereas you are not.
DR. MALLEVO Now wait just a moment, you fat ball of grime, Everyone here works hidden, unseen, Advancing the causes of science and crime --
SIR WILFRED Advancing your egos, you mean!
You're much too bombastic, you cackle, you gloat, To show off, you'll go any length, And you're caught. By inferiors. Grabbed by the throat... Whereas I... I have built up my strength.
MAD SCIENTISTS This is preposterous! Did you not hear of my army of mutant wombats with opposable thumbs? Or my scheme to replace every banana in the tropics with plantains?
PROF. CARSTAIRS Or my ultrasonic carrier wave that could disintegrate the world's undergarments?
SIR WILFRED Ah, yes. How did the press refer to you? Captain Commando.
You simply don't get it. You don't understand Concepts too simple for your huge brains. With each loss I've suffered, or victory I've planned, No evidence of me remains.
The heroes don't know of me, nor the police, No record exists of my name. And so now, for years, they have left me in peace, To plan out the ultimate game.
Behold!
MAD SCIENTISTS Good god! A mechanical army! I've never seen androids so sophisticated!
Find more lyrics at ※ Mojim.com PROF. CARSTAIRS Well, there was that Catherine Zeta-Jones model...
MAD SCIENTIST There must be fifty of them!
DR. MALLEVO Sixty.
SIR WILFRED Five dozen robots, each keyed to a hero, Inexorable in their pursuit. And when they should touch, let's just say... ground zero At Hiroshima will seem rather cute.
Each poor hero's private dimensional vortex Will fling him to some nether realm, While conveniently scrambling his cerebral cortex... Leaving us to assume the world's helm.
MAD SCIENTIST It's Brilliant!
DR. MALLEVO Visionary!
MAD SCIENTIST We must announce it at once!
PROF. CARSTAIRS Deliver an ultimatum!
SIR WILFRED No, you fools! Haven't you heard a word I've said?
The key to success is in keeping it quiet Until we are ready to strike. Our plans will collapse into ruin and riot If one of you gets on a mic.
We lure all our targets with slick verbal pablum, To someplace benign, without care, Then catch them, entrap them, and finally zap them, And without the heroes, their armies will fall, You can unleash each gimmick and minion and thrall, By dawn the next day we'll have conquered it all.
MAD SCIENTISTS At last we'll be rid of those meddlesome good guys, The playing field finally fair. They'll vanish so fast, there'll be no time for goodbyes, And the world will be mine! No, mine! No, mine! No, mine!
DR. MALLEVO No, mine!
SIR WILFRED Ahem. MINE! But I'll share.
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